Grief definitely has a mind of its own. You cannot predict how you will react or what emotions you may go through. There’s no playbook or rules to how you should navigate it. For the last two months, my journey has been interesting, to say the least. I’m obviously no expert on anything, but I want to share how I’ve been coping and finding my new normal.
Allowing Myself to Feel My Feelings
Since my mother passed away, I’ve felt every emotion you can think of, from anger to guilt to sadness to numbness, and the list goes on. I have had to learn not to beat myself up for having days where I’m not myself. Our childhood often shapes how we handle emotions. If your emotions were not honored by your caretakers, you might have developed the habit of suppressing your feelings. And just like the pressure that builds in a volcano, your emotions will eventually erupt. We all know someone that has random outbursts of emotion over small things, but it’s more than likely a bunch of emotions that have been suppressed over time.
Many people resort to masking their feelings by filling their time up with work or other tasks. I am not a person that can function that way. I am a pretty emotional person by nature, and I honor that. I allow myself to feel every emotion that comes. The hard part is not allowing that emotion to control you. You have to identify the feeling, feel it, and then let it go. Feelings are not facts, so they change all the time. And that’s okay! Give yourself the permission to feel fully.
Identifying My Triggers
As I’m navigating my way through this process, I’m learning what my triggers are. Sometimes they are not the things you suspect they will be. My mother’s birthday was about a month after her passing, and I thought that I would be a hot mess. I cried that day, but honestly, it wasn’t that bad. I’ve discovered that it is the small things that trigger me the most:
Going through her things and smelling her perfume on them
Seeing her empty spot on the couch
Scrolling past our text thread in my phone
Random passing thoughts about her
Finding something she gave me
I could go on all day about the small things that bring about sadness for me. I sometimes get sad when people ask me about her or how I’m feeling for the millionth time, especially knowing most people don’t want an honest answer. (So, if you ask, “I’m okay.”) Knowing what triggers me allows me to avoid some things on the days when I don’t feel as great. It is important to know thyself.
Doing Things That I Enjoy
Before this experience, I, like most people, worked every day and didn’t really allow myself to spend a lot of time just being and enjoying things. I went to work, went to the gym, then did it all again the next day. When you see someone so close to you pass away, you realize how fragile life is.
A close family friend told me to “handle myself with kid gloves” during this time, and I’ve been trying to do that. There have been days when I just wanted to eat ice cream and watch Tiktok videos, so that’s what I did. Obviously, you can’t do that every day, but giving myself that time makes a lot of difference. I’ve also been focusing on pursuing my passions more. I am determined to surround myself with things and people that complement my dreams and purpose. So, you will definitely see more updates here and on my social media. And I have a couple of projects that I’m excited to pour my creative energy into. I don’t want to waste time on things that do not serve me. I want to enjoy my life as much as possible.
Understanding Who My Tribe Is
There’s an outpouring of sympathy and concern that eventually goes cold. No one wants to be on the wrong side of history here, so there will be a lot of formalities. While I appreciate anyone that has checked on me, called me, sent flowers, or whatever else, it’s still important to understand who your tribe really is. When something traumatic happens, everyone around you is in shock too. However, you will quickly learn who those people are that you can call, and they will come to your side. Or those people who call you and don’t mind staying on the phone to listen to you or even just distract you for a little while. Or the ones who ask how you’re doing, and they really want to know how you are. True genuine relationships are rare, and they make a whole world of difference during your grieving process. I take none of mine for granted.
Allowing Myself to Experience Joy Again
I wasn’t prepared for how guilty I felt after having happy moments. If I spent a little too much time laughing or hanging out with my friends, a wave of guilt would come over me. I would ask myself how I could be so “happy” after what just happened. I’ve realized this feeling comes from me not exactly wanting to accept that this is my life now. Intellectually, you know that life has to go on. With that, you will experience happy moments just like before, but it feels “wrong.” In a weird way, I think my mind wants to stay in that sad place because it feels like that’s where it should be after such a huge loss. It feels like you’re betraying your lost loved one by just “going on” without them when really, you don’t have a choice.
I talked about this ad nauseam with my counselor. She told me, “You have to eventually allow yourself to experience joy again, Whitney.” And she’s right. I know my mom wouldn’t want me to stop living life, so I’ve had to regroup and push myself back into certain things. I feel like I’m finally good with having a fun day with friends without falling apart in a pool of guilt. I allow myself to smile, laugh, and be my goofy self without beating myself up after. And when I have days that it’s hard to do that, I extend myself grace for those moments and try again tomorrow.