Whenever someone lists what they look for in a partner or a friend, loyalty is always high on the list. There are tons of songs begging for loyalty, and people constantly post memes and reels discussing the absence of loyalty in this generation. The title of this blog is probably a little alarming to most people for that reason. It may even make some people question what kind of person I am because of how much people seem to value loyalty. You're probably wondering how good of a friend I am or how I behave in romantic relationships with this kind of belief, right? I understand, but just hear me out...
What is Loyalty?
Loyalty is defined by Oxford Languages as "a strong feeling of support or allegiance." You can be loyal to a brand. So, you may only buy Heinz ketchup or drive Mercedes cars. You can be loyal to your hairstylist or barber, or doctor. Loyalty builds longstanding relationships like these all the time. However, can that same strong feeling of support or allegiance be present in friendships and relationships? And personally, I think so, but not in the way that most people believe it can.
Why Is Loyalty Overrated?
The idea of loyalty always makes me think of dogs. They are supposed to be one of the most loyal animals you can find. But why is a dog loyal to its owner? Is it natural? Not at all. A dog becomes loyal to its owner once the owner starts to take care of it. So now that you are feeding, walking, housing, and playing with the dog regularly, it has a sense of loyalty to you. If you stop all those things, will the dog stay loyal to you? Probably not. The same thing applies to human relationships.
There are people around you right now that appear "loyal" because they are always around. That seems like it would be a good thing, but loyalty has somewhat of a transactional vibe. No one is loyal to you simply because they are. There is some benefit to them being loyal to you. That brother with the deep waves and slick fade is loyal to his barber because he always gets it right. That sister is loyal to her hair stylist because her lace is melted just right. So, what happens when the barber pushes that brother's line back like Stevie Wonder or her lace is lifting like hands at church? They're both going to go get somebody else to do it. This means loyalty is an extremely conditional value.
Sometimes you are unaware of the conditions of another person's loyalty, which is why them "switching up" or leaving may be a shock. We believe that a person sticking around means they have our best interest at heart, so we are devastated when we get done wrong. And honestly, there is no "switch up." That person was always that way. You are just now seeing that part of them for the first time. Understanding that a person's desire to be around you may be rooted in their own gain or something that you are unaware of should be enough to explain why consistently betting on loyalty isn't the way to go.
What You Should Value Instead
While loyalty is not an all-around bad thing to seek in a person or relationship, it shouldn't be at the top of the list. What you should be seeking is people with integrity, which is defined as "the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles." When you deal with people with integrity, loyalty comes as a byproduct. You don't have to question these people's actions, whether they are around you or away from you. They are the kind of people you won't experience "switch-ups" with because they are honest and upfront with you.
A person can have their own idea of what being loyal means. A man may have several mistresses but believe he is loyal to his wife because he comes home at the end of the day. A man with integrity understands that his behavior in and out of the house determines the kind of man he is. You may have a "friend" that doesn't even like you, but they are loyal to you because they need your connections professionally. Someone with integrity would not stay around to use someone they don't like. This is why integrity is way more important than loyalty. Surrounding yourself with people with integrity keeps you from getting caught up with users and people that treat you poorly.
Be discerning when selecting your circle. Bet on people who value doing the right thing all the time, not just when there's a benefit for them. It'll save you a lot of heartache and drama. Choose integrity over loyalty every time.