Check on Your People…For Real!

Since mental health has become a bit less of a taboo subject, the phrases “Check on your strong friends” or “Check on your people” have been repeated over and over on social media. When something bad happens, the masses encourage each other to check on their friends and family, but do you really do it? Are you consistent with your checking? Are you asking the right questions? What type of support are you offering? Here are some things to think about.

Listen Thoroughly

Being a good listener is essential when lending your ear and shoulder to a friend that is in need. Make sure to silence distractions while you’re listening. I know that can be hard, depending on your situation. However, try not to yell at your kids or have sidebar conversations while they are speaking. Also, it’s important to ask whether or not your loved one is looking for feedback or just wanting to vent. It is sometimes our nature to listen to respond, which interferes with listening fully.

If they are asking for feedback, be sure not to center yourself. Provide helpful feedback if you have it. We all have that tendency to start rambling about something in our lives that we feel is relatable. Sometimes that is helpful, but most times, they don’t want to hear your life story in the midst of their storm. Also, ask questions where you need clarity and to show that you have been engaged while they were speaking.

Validate Their Experiences

Have you ever spilled your guts to someone, and they basically made light of your situation? I have had situations where I have shared things with people and felt like they didn’t take my experiences or feelings seriously. It causes you to shut down with those people. You may even start to blame yourself for even feeling some kinda way.

One of the hardest parts of opening up to someone is being scared of judgment. Emotional validation must be present when you’re extending yourself to someone in their time of need. It isn’t the time to tell someone, “It’s not that serious,” or “Get over it .”Validating your loved one’s experience and feelings is imperative. What that looks like is accepting that person’s feelings and letting them know you understand to make sure you don’t ignite feelings of self-blame or shame. We all process emotions differently. Just because you didn’t care when Todd cheated on you, that doesn’t mean your friend will be the same way if it happens to her. Leave your judgment at home!

Checking In Shouldn’t Be Treated as a Formality

We all have those friends that “check in” but don’t really check in, right? They may ask us how we’re doing, but deep down, you know they don’t really want to hear the answer. So, we tell them we are okay, even if we aren’t. I know there have been times when I’ve been weeping and told someone, “I’m fine,” in a text message because I knew they didn’t want to hear the whole story. It is a nice gesture but lacks the depth that a person in distress may need. Letting someone into the dark crevices of your mind requires a great deal of vulnerability. If you are not open to diving into the deep end with your friend and being a consistent presence, it is unlikely they will open up to you.

Don’t get me wrong, even the more surface-level check-ins may be a bright spot in a person’s day. I am not discouraging just sending a nice message because it may cheer them up a bit. However, a person that hasn’t shown that they are invested in your journey is unlikely to be the one that gets to the meat of the situation. Shallow interactions tend to yield shallow results. Be clear on your intentions when you reach out.

Consistency

The world is now more connected, yet so disconnected at the same time. We live in a time where people think watching your Instagram stories, commenting on Facebook posts, and liking photos is communication. For those that didn’t know, it isn’t. Someone being active on social media does not mean they are “okay .”You still need to call your friends, visit them, and at the very least, text them. Going weeks and months without communicating directly with people you claim to care about is simply odd behavior.

And it is understood that we are adults with lives that include work, children, family, and other things. However, people will make time for what is important to them. If you can find time to call your sneaky link to come over every week, you can find time to call your people to check in on them.

Check on your folks!